Precious Life

The opposite of love's indifference-The Lumineers

This past weekend, I left Gavin for the first time ever. And, as I placed the glow in the dark leash attached to my Lil' Big Head into the hands of the Canine Crews handler; I felt the familiar flutter in my stomach that comes when, after only a short time together, I am smitten with Gavin. The nice guy with baggy pants and an oversized t-shirt playfully said "ouch" when Gavin's whip-tail knocked him in the shins as the two walked back to playgroup; Gavin squirming with delight, without even looking back at me.

While I was momentarily crushed that Gavin walked away without even a glance over his stubby shoulder; it gave me the comfort of a cozy sweater to know that he would not be sitting, waiting and worrying when I would return for him. I used to say that Finn would have gone home with anyone. He was also always so happy to be around just about any human; even if just to show off his swagger. Back when he used to romp 'n' roll at Dogs Day Inn; I was snowed in at LaGuardia airport during a work trip, in my corporate days. I can not recall if they were booked the following night; if I was just a wee bit clueless that these things happen and could have extended his stay or if my friend Christine simply wanted my Big Lug to be belly-up on a bed as much as I did; but she offered her husband's services to pick Finn up for me. With my permission, the staff brought Finn out for Kevin and Mark; two men Finn had NEVER met in his entire life. Kevin crouched down, with his easy, bright and natural smile while exclaiming "Finn!" and my Lug jumped right into his arms like they had been best buds for Finn's entire mischievous three years. And, on the long car ride back to Gurnee; where he first met the raven-furred beauty Kevin and Christine named "Payton"; Finn laid his head on Mark's lap with such intuitive trust, I often envied his naturally open heart.

Over the weekend, I stayed with one of my dearest friends in the entire world, Pam and her husband Chris. It was the first time I met their new, super-awesome puppy, Leo who I am certain would be besties with Gavin if they lived closer. If Leo had a fan club, my friend Jenny would be the president, she took SO many pictures of him! Because Pam knew Finn so well, it gave me a chance to do what helps my heart heal best; talk about Finn and remember all the good times he had. Pam laughs at EVERYTHING, which makes her a true pleasure to be around and we were reminiscing about the time she stayed at my place with Finn for a couple nights. The big stallion heard her alarm clock sound off and came galloping in to the bedroom. He sniffed her curiously then backed up like a Mack Truck before throwing himself onto the bed. He wriggled onto his back and rolled around, looking at her the entire time like, "hey, you are supposed to be doing something right now". She called me confused while I explained our morning ritual of BELLY RUBS. She started to leash him up for his walk when she called me again. Apparently, he was flabbergasted as he lowered his head, shook it a little then sat down and sighed in disgust because she just was not doing anything like I did. I still chuckle thinking of sweet Pam trying so hard to understand what the heck our routine was in each and every moment and spoiled Finn staring at her with his droopy eyes through still chocolate-colored eyebrows. The "OHMYGOD, we are going for a walk" beaming expression on Finn's face as I picked up his leash and the excitement that never waned EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I opened the door; these are things I do not want to forget, ever. 


I try to be thankful for the gifts I have in my life and little victories like a good parking spot or a stranger bringing me the $20 bill that fell from my pocket. But, this week I am most thankful for the successful brain surgery of my amazing stepfather, Jim. My family was surprised last week with news that he had a tumor above his ear and we were so fortunate to have found it early but diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and a voice that I love but sounds so different, all happened so fast. Jim, my mother and our whole family have a very long road to recovery ahead. Just when things are moving along fine and dandy, you get a swift kick that reminds you how precious all of our lives are. I resolved to play on Facebook less and video chat more with my grandmother.

I was on the phone with Jim last evening and of course, he asked how his buddy Gavin was doing. Jim absolutely fell in love with Gavin the instant they met each other, seriously he could be the president of Lil' Big Head's fan club. The wiggle worm charms everyone. Oh, Gavin, even after four days of play away from home, he hopped around the house like a bunny and snorted like a pig all night long. He is so precious!

The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing.-Madeleine L'Engle.

Boomerang

Last Easter, Finn, my marvelous friend Sheila and I spent a long weekend in Devil's Lake,Wisconsin. It was one of those getaways that I will often close my eyes and revisit when I need a dose of happiness. A few months prior, I had discovered a new seat extender and a different attachment for Finn's harness after his spindly legs became creaky from a car ride with the more restrictive harness we had used for years. Old dudes need to stretch and move, even in the car. And, the house we rented was surrounded by miles of fabulous trails that twisted and turned; like corn mazes I used to love as a kid and hills that Finn would barrel through with the most amazing "I'm free" look on his face while I followed, huffing and puffing. Then, he would lay on his bed on the patio with me, raising his head to take in the fresh air and watch the birds fly over our heads while I enjoyed coffee and Sheila played on the Internet. And, though Sheila is not the most outdoorsy human being, the three of us would go for real hikes at the park; Finn, full of energy and a big Labbie smile as he galloped over tree stumps and rocks without skipping a beat. Whenever we could find a spot on the lake not invested with gnats; we would let Finn do what he loved most in this world, charge into water. The cloud of bugs did not phase him at all but grossed us out, I never fancied eating insects, even before I became a vegetarian. We had such a good weekend that I told Sheila on our drive home that I was going to start a blog about adventures with my senior dog, Finn still had so many things to explore!

A few days later, I was up late doing accounting and by the time Finn got his last walk in; I crashed onto my bed around 3am. He had an acupuncture appointment early the next morning and I remember calculating the number of hours of sleep I would get in my head when he came racing in my room with a panicked look on his face; it had been a couple of years since he wanted share the bed with me like my sweet, little Gavin does and I always left doors open so I could hear him if he needed anything. There was no thunderstorm or fireworks and to this day, I am still not quite sure what set off his anxiety. It took about an hour and some drugs to calm him down but I was so worried about him.

During his appointment, I was sleep deprived and even more emotional than I usually am while I explained what had happened to my favorite veterinarian. She said, "I think it's time you start thinking about saying goodbye to him". WHAT? He had a bad night, it lasted an hour and I would be able to sleep the next evening. It was not time yet! I now know she did not intend for me to say goodbye to him at that moment or even in the upcoming weeks or months but I adore Dr. Royal and she's known me for years; she was prepping me for what she knew I needed to start thinking about. I made the commitment then and there to give my Finn, aka "Nugget" as much fun as he wanted but it was a roller coaster of a year.

The last eight or nine months of 2012 were solely about Finn and I would not trade a second of it; I would do it another ten years if he was still bouncing along next to me, happy. But, it was hard. I gave up my social life; I missed birthdays because of thunderstorms and my human relationships changed. No one told me how many times I would wonder if we were taking our last walk, beach outing or road trip together so I made every one count the best I could. And, when I did occasionally venture out into the real world, I felt like an alien when a friend would ask if I had met any nice guys recently or what I was up to. I had one answer and I was not sure others understood that keeping Finn happy was all I wanted to be "up to".

My only regret is that I should have put my big girl pants on more and asked for help. My sister, mom and dear friends, Sheila and Pam would ask if there was anything they could do. I never knew how to respond to that. What I needed was for Finn to get better and I knew that was never going to happen. I do not fear old age, wrinkles, gray hair; none of that matters to me. But, not being able to care for myself, hurting. That scares me.

So, for every downturn we had, I found a new herb, a wonder drug or some variation of a therapy that gave me temporary hope; many more happy moments and a smiley old guy that flounced his way to the door to greet me every single day and seemed to draw people to him no matter where he went.  When Finn and I went to Door County last July, EVERY SINGLE PERSON who passed us on the street had to stop and say hi to him, ice cream cones in hand. He was so regal about it as he stood watching his admirers ogle him, gracing them with pagan smooches and not once stealing a lick of dairy goodness. I found an awesome outdoor cafe that not only allowed dogs, but had grass instead of concrete for him to rest his crunchy old hips that had been swimming all day; while he ate $8 kibble topped with hot dogs. Every employee would stop to marvel at my big, gentle lug, remark they couldn't touch Finn because they were handling food; eventually give in to his sloppy kisses then scurry off to wash their hands. I am almost positive they thought I was a little weird being there just me and my dog but I did not care, he was my best buddy in the whole world. And, somehow, I have been forgiven for every dinner I missed with the people I love the most.

Now that it is spring and I am itching to be outside all the time, Gavin is very willing to join me and it's good. It is better than good. I had grown so accustom to my entire world revolving around Finn's care; my fun was seeing him happy and knowing he was having fun. I need a good, strong kick in the tush to remind me what I find enjoyable. One of the things that bonded Finn and I was our shared sense of adventure, I love trying new things as much as he always did and I am just now starting to explore on my own and with Gavin. We hit Norwood Park Dog Park and Foster Beach last week, for the first time together. Seeing Gavin run and play is so wonderful. Often clumsy and ridiculous, but so inspiring. And, with every passing week, Gavin becomes more and more amazing to me. I no longer have to poke my head around the corner every two seconds to make sure he's not eating yet another pair of my shoes while I clean the bathroom and we have even had a couple relaxing walks. But, like every single life experience, it's not perfect. Last week, I walked in the door, so excited to see him and was thinking how far he's come in two months only to find that he had destroyed the cooling mat in his crate; the day after he ate a dog bed in his house. Little stinker.

Because I continue to write about my little life and the things that matter to my daily existence does not mean I have not and will not continue to shed many tears for the horrible tragedy in Oklahoma. I have made a donation to an organization I trust will put my money to good use to help the victims and their families and I will pray for all of them, please take a couple moments to watch this heartwarming video of a woman reunited with her dog. 

Nice to Smell Ya!

Finn! Oh my goodness, I'm so excited to hear from you. I knew there was another dog here, I can smell you all over the beds, couch and chair. I love to lay on the chair and look out the window like you used to do. I'm not allowed to have toys on the furniture but sometimes I still try. It is hilarious to see her jump up when I throttle myself at her with a squeaky toy in my mouth, I accidentally gave her a bloody nose when I jumped once and my giant head hit her in the face. I felt so bad that I sulked for over an hour on the floor. She didn't get mad at all.

You have a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend too! Her name is Grace and she's SO pretty. She's tall, blond and thinks it's a stitch when I knock her over with my butt then pounce on top of her.  She loves to chase me and she can fit my whole head in her mouth, can you believe it? We have so much fun, I run in circles around Kate's house and Grace totally keeps up with me then she spins around so I can chase her. Sometimes I get going so fast I topple over then she jumps on me. I think it's so much fun to roll around on my back. I love dogs so much!

You were afraid of dogs, weren't you? Our mom says I have nice social skills so I would have made sure you knew I wasn't scary. I love to rough house with Grace but when I meet shy dogs, I lay on the ground and let them sniff me. I bet we could have been friends.

I have to admit, at first I wasn't sure I would like it here. Sure, this lady is nice and all but she was SO boring. Every time I'd try to play by biting her ankles, she took me to my crate. It sucked. But now I'm not in my crate much at all, except when she's gone. I bet you loved all the kids in the neighborhood like I do, we meet so many people that ask about you. She sometimes sniffs when they talk. I try so hard to show all of them how nice I am by tap dancing, bobbing my head up and down then hitting my own butt with my tail. Not everyone wants to say hi to me and that's okay too but I sure love it when they do. At first, EVERY single time I said hello, I heard "off". Such a downer. Now I hear "greet" much more and it seems to make this nice lady happier when I don't try to show my excitement by going mid-air, it's really hard sometimes.

Last week was the best week ever! I got to go play with Grace twice, it was so fun. And, I love Kate too. She doesn't get mad at me when Grace and I tear through the house or when I destroy Bailey's squeaky toys. I do like a good bone but chewing up squeaky toys is SO. MUCH. FUN. And, I got to go to camp twice too! This nice guy Steve comes and picks me up and we ride in the car for awhile then I get to romp and roll in the mud with some really cool dogs. Our mom calls me "dirtball" when I come home but I don't care, I love running super fast and letting the other dogs tackle me. Also, these super sweet people Holly and Brian walk me on Sundays, they are nice and Brian likes it when I sit on the street corners.

You weren't kidding about the nicknames. Sometimes when I get bored, I race around the house and try to get our mom to play by grumbling at her. She calls me "Turd Devil" when I do it. She says I sound like some cartoon character that spins in circles real fast. I like her stepdad too! Once, I got SO BORED of playing fetch, I don't know how you did it over and over and over again. I tried to start a new game with Jim by knocking over a plastic jug of pretzels and watching him pick it up. He played a couple times then shook his finger at me and told me "no"; I barked and laughed at him then charged around the room. I showed him how fun I was by ripping up the rug. It was hilarious but no one else thought so.

I learned some tricks too! They are super fun! I love to drop onto my belly then flop onto my back when she says "bang bang". It's a riot! And, snuggling is so awesome too, once I get tired...nothing can wake me up. Sometimes I fall right off the couch and I'm so pooped that I just go right back to sleep on the rug.

We started some class last week too, at first I didn't like it. There were all these dogs there and I wasn't allowed to jump on any of them. Then, this nice lady Candice gave me lots of hot dogs when I just sat for her, humans are easy, aren't they? It was cool. She must be friends with our mom because she got in the car with us and we went to this place where all these people were sitting on big stools, drinking out of small water bowls and barking at each other. Grace and I share our bowls just fine but none of them shared; it was weird. People kept coming in and out of the door so I got to say hi to all of them, I love to lean on everyone while they pet me. I heard our mom tell her friend that she figured out I was smarter than her. Duh, I knew that the day I moved in.

Well, that's it for now. We are off for a walk, there are so many squirrels and birds by my new house, I bet you liked it a lot. Nothing beats chasing a squirrel up a tree, nothing! The only time I stop stalking is when we go to the big park with all the trees and river. We stop in the same spot all the time and she just looks towards a church for awhile. I smell you there.

Love,
Gavin

Dear Gavin

I thought you would be bigger. I love it here, my girlfriend and a couple of my buddies met me at the gate and we play all day together. I don't hurt anymore and I can run as fast as I want after tennis balls. So many tennis balls! And, when you are destroying a toy on the floor or sneaking into her room to snatch a shoe like I used to do; I climb onto the couch with her and I know she can feel me as I wiggle around on my back and sound off my love grumbles just like we did every morning for my favorite, belly rubs! I stayed as long as I could and I kissed away so many tears like I see you do sometimes. She thought she was hiding her sadness about me from me, but I knew. I see her smiling a lot now.

I loved to laugh, please make her laugh as much as you can. She will re-pay you so well. And, when you are afraid of something, she will know and she may look silly doing it but will help you. Her food is boring but she won't make you eat it. Because I was such a good boy, I was allowed to lay my head on her lap while she ate. You have some things to learn. She tried to get me to eat green stuff a couple times, just spit it out and she'll stop. 

You will meet so many nice people, no one will ever be mean to you again. If you hurt, she will take you to places where they sometimes poke you and do weird things but it will somehow make you feel good. There was this tall, goofy looking guy at the place where they'd crack my back (boy, did it feel good) and he was so easy to train. All I had to do was spin in circles, shake my paw and do a little bow and he magically gave me treats. She taught me to do those things but whenever I did them on my own for new people, I always got cookies. There were a few other people who were total suckers; some of them I just stared at and wagged my tail and they would give me part of their sandwich or even go to the fridge for hot dogs. Her stepdad used to sneak me sausage while he was cooking, I think she knew but she never said anything and if her friend Sheila was over; I would wait for our mom to go to another room and I would just stand in front of her, she would call me "Bug" then get me hot dogs from the fridge. Kate and Colleen are easy marks too. Colleen was this nice lady that walked me on Sundays. She was just as patient as our heart mom with me on the stairs and it was so much fun to bark at her. She gave me treats when I did it so I barked even more and laughed; she used to sing "You are My Sunshine" to me, I liked it. If you even glance Kate's way, she'll give you part of her sandwich. I liked her so much. She let me swim in her pool and when I was ready to give up, we lived in her basement.

I see you like car rides, boy you are in luck. We took so many trips, I'm sure I lifted my leg in at least eight states that I can remember. And, if you like swimming, you will get to go to the beach with her in the summer, I didn't like it when it was cold so we went hiking instead. She will call you all sorts of different names but you will always know she is talking to you by the tone of her voice. Once, I was being ornery at the beach and some guy came over to meet me, he called me "Doofus" because she had said it so much.  My favorite nickname ever was "Nugget" because chicken nuggets were so delicious and they made thunderstorms easier to ride out, I wasn't scared of them when I was your age. And, sometimes I lay my head on her shoulder with you while she's driving. She sings a lot in the car, you will get used to it. 

She sometimes falls, just get up and check on her. One night we went out for a pee (well, I went out for a pee) she always came outside with me because she said she didn't want anyone to take me from the front yard. It was so icy, I almost slipped on those steps! I heard a "thunk!"and turned around to see she slipped and she hit her head. I kissed her face over and over until she woke up. She told her neighbors I saved her life and we stayed up together all night long to make sure she didn't have a concussion. I scored plenty of treats that night!

Oh, and she will kiss you A LOT. At first you will want to swat her away with your paw but, between you and me, I loved it more and more every year and made humming sounds when she'd pet me. If you make noises when she is doing things you like, she will know and keep doing it. I used to get super annoyed that I had to go to my bed before I ate but once I slipped on the floor by my bowl and was so nervous to go back over there. She figured it out and fed me on my bed after that. I liked it a lot. I got to slurp up my food while she smiled at me, man, you are so lucky. Every year they came out with new food and bones, she let me try them all! She never got mad either when my food dropped into her cup with a handle. I don't know what was in it, but after she drank it in the mornings, she didn't walk into walls

anymore.

Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna go hang out with her Papaw. He tells me stories of her way before I knew her and they make me laugh. I met him before when I was at his house, chewing on a bone. His darn little dog barked and barked and barked at me, I couldn't get any peace.  I finally told that dog to shove it with a giant roar, you woulda laughed his head shook I hollered so loud at him. But, I was just trying to enjoy my bone and he wouldn't leave me alone. Our mom knew I would have never hurt him. But her Papaw throws the ball over and over then sits with me by the water; it reminds me of all the fun she and I used to have together at Lake Geneva. Balls rule, don't they?

They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, little dog. Make sure she knows I'm happy and I want her to be that way too.

Cheers!
Finn

Finally, Sunshine

It was FINALLY sunny on Saturday morning, after a frigid, wet April; and I was given the gift of a few unexpected free hours. Gavin and I headed out for a run together. As the rubber soles of my sneakers pounded into the pavement and the amazingly familiar feeling of my heart racing faster and faster with each stride; I watched Gavin's ears whip back and forth in the breeze while his muscly, stubby legs paced so perfectly and effortlessly with mine. With a snappy glance, we both knew that I finally got it. I had been intentionally walking more briskly so our leash training was pleasurable for both of us but I did not realize how much my gait had slowed down over the years with Finn. When he was a puppy, my neighbors used to call me the "Swoosh Queen". Apparently Finn and I were in a zone, my arms moving wildly and his tail twirling like a windup toy, no one dared interrupt our finely tuned march; not even to tell me those pants were never cool.

Finn loved charging after a ball so much he often looked like Bambi trying to get his footing on ice; you could see his mischievous grin as he barreled into the lake on a warm day and during our race game, six feet barely hit the ground as we watched each other, laughing. But, running, just for the sake of a jog was very high on his "do not like" list. In 2003, I attempted to incorporate his 3-hour a day exercise routines with my marathon training runs and a couple blocks into our first jog; he kept looking up at me with those sad puppy, Lab eyes and his uni brow was so crinkled that I knew he was miserable. He stopped so many times, I almost ate a concrete sandwich. Finn was never afraid to let me know what he was thinking. So, I peeled myself out of bed before 16 or 18-mile training runs to give Finn a good walk; often so early I saw people coming home from a long night of celebration. And, though he knew the instant I walked in the door always meant it was walk time; if he saw a crusty coat of salt glistening from my arms or my face wince with every slow, stiff-legged step; Finn patiently plopped onto the couch with me and gently laid his head next to one of my wobbly knees. I still remember the first time I was in bed with the flu; Finn curled himself into a little tight ball in the crook of my knees all day. He never once complained that we went outside only for brief business ventures, did not seem to mind being seen with me in polka dot pajamas pants and tried to make me feel better by giving my hand the occasional slurp.

It was so breathtakingly beautiful on Saturday; Gavin and I were still full of energy after our jog. So, we walked through not one, but two parks; played a long game of fetch at our favorite abandoned tennis court and trekked through the forest preserves for the first time together. Gavin LOVES everyone and jiggles towards literally anyone his cheesy smile so I stopped often for the obligatory "how old is he", "how long have you had him" and of course, the good ol' butt sniffing and romp with other dogs. I would prefer to take in the breeze and glow of the sun more quietly, but Gavin adores these things and deserves to have fun.

I don't know if it was the feeling of the sun finally warming my forehead; the loveliness of bright yellow daffodils and jam-colored hyacinths; seeing human charm in a little girl skipping along the path with a stick and an older brother hugging a crying sibling or the rush of memories I used to share with Finn along all the routes Gavin and I enjoyed on Saturday but I involuntarily stopped walking, looked up and felt a flood of tears gush down my cheeks. My Little Big Head glanced at me, wiggled his butt and laid in the grass, finally, next to the water fountain where Finn and I often stopped for a rest on warmer days. I sat with him in silence and fought like heck to not feel guilty crying about Finn sitting next to Gavin nor fret because I was enjoying my day with Gavin knowing that it had been a long time since Finn and I could walk for mindlessly for hours on a warm, sunny day.

Gavin and I had one of those pivotal moments on Monday. We were cruising along on yet another gorgeous, sunny day when my foot hit a rock the wrong way. I felt my ankle twist and my body turn the opposite direction. While I tumbled to the ground, all I could think about was holding onto the leash. I must have tried to catch my fall because I landed facing a different side of the street from where I started and recall seeing a landscaper watch it all happen, his face cringing. My ankle was throbbing and my empty right hand was covered in blood but, Gavin. The leash. It felt like eternity but I know it was not more than a second or two, his leash was on the ground and despite the people, squirrels, dogs around us; he was sitting so close to me that I felt his entire weight on my good leg. He looked back to see my eyes and make sure I was fine but resumed his statuesque position until I was able to get up. And, as I hobbled home, he walked as slowly as I needed him to, finally. According to Apocrypha, "A faithful friend is the medicine of life", from the book "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief". I know now I have that in Gavin.