Circles of Life

Life sometimes spins me in circles; throws me into the air like a tennis ball and when I haphazardly land, I find myself in a place that feels familiar and I wonder if I somehow missed a lesson the first time around.  When I brought home the hell-on-wheels, runt puppy who I named Finnigan; I was living with my dear friends Jaime, Jeff, and their two dogs, Bailey and Monty. I am forever grateful that they allowed me to live with them while raising a puppy and consider myself doubly lucky to have Kate, who let us move in with her when Finn was growing older.  He wanted so badly to be strong for me and love his life again, Kate gave us that.

Finn used to tear through Jaime and Jeff's house: table legs thrusting into his ribs as he knocked into them; sending vases and lamps flying onto the floor that never hindered his speed or determination to catapult himself onto their bed if we dared try to enjoy five minutes of uninterrupted dog time with a beer or pizza. Their dog, Bailey, was barely the size of Finn's mondo head. He was one of those adorable, cutesy, fluffy dogs that in some homes you might see wearing toenail polish and blinged-out tags dangling off on his couture sweaters, and Bailey was the sheriff in Jaime and Jeff's home. If Finn shoulder-checked Monty into a wall too many times or sent their bed pillows flying as he deliberately fluffed their down comforter while spinning in circles; the usually unassuming Bailey would race in, plant his paws into the ground and growl at Finn to let him know he was behaving like an idiot. Mr. Small & Mighty was not going to accept Finn's shenanigans and it was his job to teach the stupid puppy all the house rules. Finn would saunter off for a whole second. Then, he would forget he was ever scolded for his bulldozer-play behavior and tackle Monty again with an unphased, almost mocking look on his face.

Back then, I was beyond clueless about the ins and outs of doggie care but I was so excited to learn and what I lacked in knowledge, I more than made up with love. I was absolutely infatuated with Finn the instant I met him and wanted nothing more than to assure his happiness and safety. I loathed putting him in his crate when no one was home to monitor his antics. And, foolishly decided to leave Finn to his own devices in our bedroom the first day I went back to work after his arrival.  When I came home to a three-foot pile of toothpicks where my garage sale-find dresser once was and shards of CDs scattered all over the floor, I made peace with the crate.  Nothing like an emergency trip to the veterinarian to make sure 200 old school music discs did not puncture Finn's throat or stomach to help me temporarily get over the guilt I felt about leaving him in the crate for a few hours at a time. He also had quite the appetite for electric cords, if I turned around for one second, I would catch him burrowing behind the entertainment center to catch a sizzling snack. As Finn grew older and no longer needed the crate, I worried about him when I was gone.  The Internet is filled with graphic images of freak accidents and the older he became; the thought of him slipping as he tried to get up from the bathroom floor, his favorite place in the summer to stay cool, haunted me. I wish I worried less because it would not have changed a darn thing other than a few less lines on my own forehead.  Despite any concern I had about Finn while he was alone, I was blessed with 14 wonderful, fun years with my soul mate dog who taught me so much.

Gavin is a lucky fellow, I know a tad more now about dogs and he goes into his crate as willingly as Finn always did. But, I do not fret when I leave the house because I know Little Big Head is safe and cozy in his home and will wiggle his butt, do an exaggerated play bow then trot forward to stretch his pork chop legs along the floor in an upward facing dog pose.  His new nickname is Mr. Ridiculous.

This past weekend, Gavin had a play date with my friend Kate's dogs, Bailey and Grace.  Grace and Gavin skipped any sort of coy hello and went straight to racing, chasing, pouncing, tackling, throwing down and "LET'S DO IT AGAIN"!  Bailey was a little uncertain about the blockhead who was causing chaos in his backyard and indignantly marched over to growl at Gavin.  I know and trust Bailey's behavior so much that he sometimes came downstairs to hang out with Finn and I.  Poor Grace never understood why she could not say hi to me on walks when I had that big, brown gallup of a dog next to me. It always broke my heart to see her crestfallen face as she begrudgingly walked away.  We were lucky that we had our own separate entrance so Grace never had the opportunity to tackle Finn. Gavin more than happily allowed Grace to pummel him to the ground while Bailey stood watch over the two to make sure his services were not needed again. Bailey is such a funny dog and Gavin instinctively understood his idle threats. Bailey would throw a toy around and watch the two puppies pounce on it. Then, he would look up at his mom and I so proud of himself that he was able distract them and could savor an instant of calm, quiet and space. Occasionally, Bailey would jump into the game of tug or bark while circling the two heathens who somehow understood and would slow down their their rock em' sock em' play for a second. But, he always returned to Kate's side to assume his position as the king of the house. Bailey and Bailey, I can always count on them to school my goofy dogs.

I have heard folks say they believe their heart dogs loved them so much that they came back to them in the form of another dog.  While I certainly believe in the magic of greater universal powers than my human mind can understand. And, am obviously inclined to share my home with active, ridiculously silly and happy lunkheaded boy dogs; I want to learn about Gavin and love him for who he is, not attempt to make him into Finn.  I was truly blessed with the amazing gift of a shared, long and happy life with Finn; his spirit lives on in my heart and always will. But, sweet Gavin has his own little soul for me to cherish and with time; I will likely learn the lessons I have yet to grasp by choosing that little guy to be my faithful companion.

I often wondered as the year went by if I would be strong enough to give Finn an honorable goodbye; I prayed about it and worried a lot. Oh, I should have let go of that nagging inclination because when the time came; Finn trusted me and somehow I found faith in my own courage. Little Big Head is just starting to learn he too can trust me and that I will not let anything bad happen to him.  Yesterday, he had his first day at camp because the last time I wore out a dog his age, I was a lot younger and had less responsibilities. Plus, I wanted him to have a day to just be the wild puppy he wants to be.  As soon as he walked out the door with the very nice man who came highly recommended by a client I wholeheartedly trust but I still drilled during his interview; I fretted.  Then, I stopped.  The world is not in my control and worrying only takes energy that I need to get Gavin up and down the stairs ten times a day so he learns where to potty.  Last night after his big play day, he settled right into his spot on the bed and snuggled up so close to me with his adorable snore song that I turned down the heat because he is a four-legged furnace. He had a good day. It has been a long time since Finn wanted to share the bed, I often fell asleep on his dog bed with him so he did not have to strain his tender muscles climbing to be with me. Though he was quite the independent guy, Finn grew way more snuggly every year we were together.  It was so nice to have that again and I am so very grateful for the adorable big-headed boy I call "Gavin".