Stay In Touch

facebooktwitter

Monday, January 21, 2013

Happy Birthday, Big Guy!

If Finn were still with me, today would have been his 14th birthday.  For almost a decade and a half of my life he was there; making me smile, kissing away tears, sharing long walks and the peace that comes from being outside around grass and trees that extended beyond the parkway living we had grown accustom to or sharing popcorn while cozying up on the couch.

The wave of emotional ups and downs that I have experienced in the last two weeks since we said goodbye has left me feeling so very grateful for every second we had together and all the love and support that has come my way since his passing. Yet, sometimes I have to pry my sobbing self off the floor or stop in disbelief that I will never again be able to rub his belly, see his sparkling face prance to greet me at the door after two. whole. hours. of me being gone or watch him chase his tennis ball into the lake with sheer delight.  I miss that dog so much.

But, today I celebrate Finn and the wonderful zest he had for life.  Sure, I will cry when it hits me but I will go to the park where we had so many fun times, I will tell stories about him that make me smile and I will look at pictures of him and remember all the amazing memories we shared together.

Finn LOVED tennis balls and he LOVED the lake. We are talking hyperventilating, squealing, old guy standing up in the backseat of the car when we were 1/2 a mile away from his mecca.  He was not allowed to chase the ball into the lake because he had two bad knees so I would walk into the water until it was waist deep then throw the ball.  He would swim with delight after his prize possession and nab it the way a retriever was meant to do; he'd then race back to the beach, drop the ball and bark in disbelief that I still was not throwing it for him to tear after like we did when he was puppy. Finn would finally concede, huffing a little to let me know he preferred it the old way but he'd chase me right back into the water. I'd toss the ball again and watch the absolute joy he took in every stride towards the simple, fuzzy, yellow blob.  I had so fun much running into the water, occasionally turning back to see the anticipation and delight in his face as he followed me.

It wasn't until this past summer that he let go of his youngster habits and figured out how relaxing it was to just swim with his tennis ball in his mouth. After he collected his toy, he'd often circle or follow me, ball in tow with such a tranquil look on his face. I'd walk around slowly and Finn would follow, never letting go of his ball but it was so peaceful for both of us and it had to feel so good on his senior joints to coast along in the the water rather than flail about with wild abandon. The blissful look on his face will always bring comfort to my heart and was absolutely worth getting up two hours early at least three days a week to take him to the lake. It truly was one of my favorite ways to start my day, invading the quiet people beach without worry that other dogs would invade his space with an unbelievably happy dog.

In his honor today, I let go.  I let go of expectations of myself that I will stop hurting when I choose. I let go of knowing when the time will be right to live with and love another dog. I let go of worry that people might think I'm a freak for crying at the grocery store because I pick up sardines for Finn and suddenly realize I no longer have need for those nasty, stinky fish in my home.  And I hold on to the memories and the joy that he brought to every single thing he ever did. Happy birthday, my sweet boy!  Hope you are having fun in dog heaven!

5 comments:

Unknown said...

Beautiful and so well said. I completely understand the crying in the grocery store....and many other places. There's nothing better than a four-legged friend.....Finn's memory will live on in you and everything you do in his honor.

mellen said...

Amazing. So well said. I too had my first love for 14 years and wow, no one could have prepared me ever for that pain. I cried randomly for over a year and still find myself daydreaming of my dear Fannie. So many have come into my life since but Fannie touched my soul like your Finn. Clearly Finn exhuberates in all you do! Thank you for sharing him with all.

Anonymous said...

Big giant hugs to you. Thinking of Finn with a giant smile on my face.
XOXO

Unknown said...

What a beautiful story. He was a special guy and I felt honored that you asked me to care for him. I used to call it "Sundays with Finny". He taught me to patience. He taught me to enjoy the walk.

When getting down the three flights of stairs became a challenge, I had a secret trick, one I never mentioned because you'd probably think I was nuts.

I sang "You are my Sunshine" because it calmed me down and then he became less anxious. You're neighbors thought it was funny -especially the little girls below. I have a terrible voice - so maybe he hurried down just to shut me up! : )

Cry when you need to.

Anonymous said...

your blog is such a beautiful tribute to Finn. Hopefully others will be able to heal a little faster and find some comfort by sharing their stories too. You are amazing and I love you so much.