Wishes

After the layered holiday memories of my Lug battered my emotional stability; I was then surprisingly sucked into the undertoe again during the one-year anniversary of Finn's passing. I sobbed while I tapped out every word of my last post and found it fascinating that, after months of recalling memories with a smile and feeling so peaceful when I close my eyes and see Finn's goofy grin that, wham...knocked into the abyss. Again. But, once I read through my own prose a few times; I felt I said what I needed to say, walked with a lighter heart and was myself again. I had not realized how much of me slipped away when my Lug's health started to descend; it is nice to almost be back.

I started this blog as a way to share my healing journey. And, hopefully, let someone who is sitting alone, in an empty room, crippled by silence and wondering if the tears will ever stop, know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Grief sucks and throughout this past year I have felt amazing one moment then in the next instant, could barely put one foot in front of the other. I even found my way to a grief counseling group and was stunned when not one, but two women shared stories of not liking their new animal at first.

Then, I met a dog named Cappucino, I liked him a lot. Lil' Big Head was instantly in love with me. After all the paperwork was finalized and I walked Gavin onto the sidewalk, I felt overwhelmed. But, the sensation was different than those first couple of moments with Finn. I was terrified I was going to break my Lug of a puppy because I was so clueless, no matter how in love I was. Gavin was a stranger who was coming home to live with me, bad or good and he was mine. My stomach started rolling as I drove, and I rubbed some hand sanitizer across my un-manicured dog trainer's palms while we sat at a light. I kept glancing back at Lil' Big Head, who looked quite cozy and thinking, "ok, I'm really doing this". Mundane activities like driving, that I easily I approached with Finn suddenly became awkward because there was this unknown creature with a history I would never know riding next to me. When I opened the lid, Gavin sniffed upwards into air with the most peculiar, pointed look on his face then shoved his nose right into my cheek. And, suddenly a slideshow of all the scary, sometimes downright bizarre and dangerous behavior problems I have seen over the years ran through my brain.

When we arrived home, I tried to play fetch with Gavin, but Lil' Big Head was hellbent on playing tug. I stopped the game because when Finn growled while gripping his ducky in his mouth; I knew his grumbles meant nothing more than he having a blast. And, I also had the carefree confidence that my Lug would never put his teeth on a human, ever. But, at the time, I did not know if the strange little dog sharing my house would consider biting me. As I was trying to put the squeaky toy into the cabinet; Lil' Big Head was overexcited and we had been a pair for barely an hour. I saw giant white teeth come at my hand but the clumsy puppy missed the ball and his head rammed into the bridge of my nose. Blood squirted EVERYWHERE. And, again, Gavin stared right at my face, his lips puckered tight while he trailed me to the bathroom and sat, waiting and watching.

I later learned what a curious little guy Gavin was and he was not plotting my death. And, as the months passed and we played, snuggled and listened to each other; I began to love Lil' Big Head. Last weekend, Gavin was showing off his ridiculously savvy dog skills while a client worked with her dog a few feet away to reduce her pup's fear of other dogs. I was watching Mindy, to assure she was not worrying or staring at Gavin. Mindy likes to bark, but that's all she is capable of. As much as I love my job; I would never put Gavin near a dog I thought would hurt him, never. Completely focused on my client and her dog, I could feel Lil' Big Head's gaze. When they walked away for a quick break; I looked down and all I saw were those giant white teeth again. Gavin's smile took up his whole face and those beautiful, old-soul, cocoa-brown eyes looking to me for partially for guidance, but mostly, staggering adoration. It was in that moment, I realized how deeply infatuated I am now with Gavin.

I thought about my sad poem being my last post, but, I also felt strongly about wanting to say thank you to all

who have religiously read my musings over the past year. I am truly blessed. And, this day, back in 1999, my Lug entered the world. Finn changed my life forever, in the most fantastic way. So, to celebrate my Lug's birthday and all the joy he brought to my life; I have started volunteering again. And, Gavin and I went to the pet store to stock up on clearance holiday sweaters and toys; two of which he has already growled and ripped apart but I know this dog, he would rather chew off his own leg than to hurt anyone. I had taken a philanthropic hiatus because I injured my back and shoulder. Given the strength of some of the court case dogs coming out of their cages; I worried I would not be able to hold the leash and one of them would get into trouble. Gavin and I are also one step away from him being able to join events as an Ambassador Dog. So, I ask of you, if you have enjoyed these posts at all and want to give back in any way, Safe Humane is a great place to do so.

Thank you again for sharing our voyage. This certainly will not be the last time you hear about my Finn or my Gavin. I leave you with this beautiful quote from the book  Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief. Martha Whitmore Hickman's words have helped me tremendously every single day and I will continue to reach for it when I feel sad and miss my Finn:

"May this New Year be for me a time for music. And if I am able- later, if not now-may I hear in my heart the voice of my loved one lifted with my voice, to praise life, to hope for life, to join others on this circling globe in an "Alleluia", for the experiences we have shared and share even now, and for the ways beyond time and death in which we are bound to one another in gratitude and love."

Happy Birthday, my Lug, my soulmate, my angel. I hope you are swimming and chasing tennis balls today and forever, as you continue to watch over us.