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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Today, and Always

Today, I will light a candle.

One year ago, you looked up at me at me and for the first time, I saw suffering in your eyes.
One year ago, I doubted my decision.
One year ago, you wagged and wiggled when Sheila came for us.
One year ago, your insatiable spirit gave in to your frail body again.
One year ago, I knew another day would have caused you misery.
One year ago, I watched you twinkle your nose to the sunny sky.
One year ago, you ate treats at the park, your first meal in days.
One year ago, you happily wandered onto your bed and laid your face next to mine.
One year ago, I tenderly kissed your nose and whispered "I'm going to miss you so much".
One year ago, I gave you the greatest gift I ever gave you, freedom from pain.
One year ago, I knew that if I had another 13 years with you, it still would not have been enough.
One year ago, profound grief suffocated me when you closed your eyes for the last time.
One year ago, an odd sense of calm also washed over me because I felt you peacefully drift away.
One year ago, I was grateful that I had the courage to release you, for you.

Today, I will open my front door and see your sleepy eyes that just awoke from a deep slumber because nothing would have stopped you from greeting me at the door.
Today, I will place my hand on my heart when I look at the tree, our tree, right outside my window that still looks like a heart, despite the   blustery wind.
Today, I will smile when I look through all your bright-eyed, tongue-hanging-out-of-your-mouth, always happy pictures.
Today, I still sometimes cry an ocean because I miss you so much.
Today, I will give Gavin as much love as I can because I know I can only be sure of this moment.
Today, your spirit is etched into my soul.
Today, the gratitude I feel for the millions of happy memories I have of you and with you surrounds me with warmth.
Today, I wonder if you had anything at all to do with the unbelievably sweet dog who is snuggled next to me.
Today, I thank you for dedicating your life to me and years of mutual adoration.
Today, and, forever, I will love you.


3 comments:

ThinLizzie said...

What a beautiful tribute to little Finn. Love his frosty face. Today couldn't have been easy, sending lots of Labrador love from Skippy and the Chocolate Bomb.

jt said...

I have to choose my times reading your lovely blog, because I almost always cry... As must anyone who has loved and let a dear companion and friend go.

mellen said...

tears,tears,tears and my heart is on the floor-still from last week when i read that these beautiful writings were going to end. you have shared so much, taught me and inspired me. Finn was and is so blessed to have you. Gavin is reaping some tremendous rewards in so many ways. Thank you for sharing and caring so deeply!
it's a feeling like none other unless one experiences it.
I pray that Finn's light and enthusiasm is forever a makeup of your soul.
love and faith