The Comfort of Home

When I walked into my condo for the first time, I was struck by one spot in the sun room. The giant window that overlooked a beautiful green tree and the sun hit the floor in an angels on high kind of way. I was in love. There's just something about that spot, it catches your eye when you walk in and keeps it; it is where my yoga mat always ends up and it is where Finn loved to lay when the weather was just starting to warm outside. Gavin has recently discovered that place. I was doing yoga one morning and he kept trying to get on the mat, then he wanted to snuggle. Once he settled in, he kept re-positioning himself to be just a tiny bit closer to me. I knew he was on his back by the sound of his snores; even when my eyes were closed. When I rose from my lulling savasana, I sensed by the warmth and weight near my shoulder that I would see my darling hulk but it was not his head by face as I exclaimed, "dude, get that thing away from me" and jumped off my mat. Gavin rolled over, quacked and went back to sleep

Finn always loved our homes, no matter where we lived together. It usually only took a few days for him to realize a new haven was OURS and I could tell he was happy and settled by the anticipatory look on his face as he patiently watched me unlock the door after a walk, tail swinging 90 miles an hour.

We traveled a lot together and as I recall more and more memories that were not forefront in my mind because my focus was not in reliving the past but enjoying the Finn I had right in front of me; I remember a slumber party Finn had with an ex-boyfriend's parents. They were the nicest people in the world but there was no fence in their suburban backyard. I was so nervous and kept asking them to promise me Finn would not be outside; even for a second, off his leash. My big lug barely said goodbye as he trotted behind his weekend grandpa while Mike and I loaded the car to head off for a friend's wedding. Of course there were antics. Apparently, it was sunshiny day and Mike's folks thought it would be nice if Finn joined them in the yard, his dad puttering around and his mom relaxing on a hammock. Adhering to my rules, Mike's mom attached Finn's leash to the stand and laid down. I am certain it did not take long for my then 4-year old lug to get bored and who knows if it was just antsy pants or a squirrel that caught his attention but his sweet mom opened her eyes as all 100ish pounds of here ricocheted off the hammock and her little body bounced up and down while Finn schlepped her through the grass. I have no doubts that he was beaming and his tail was wildly wagging while she shrieked.

Gavin and I had a jolly good weekend; because half his body weight is his head, I have been pleasantly surprised at how many places he is allowed to join me. Friday, after the park and a few other errands, he laid down in the car wash waiting room; mostly on his back, for all the world to see his goods. I even contemplated taking him on my date with me Friday night. But, when the nice guy at the car wash asked me if I was talking about my dog or my boyfriend when kept referring to "my guy", I decided that Gavin would be just fine snoozing away the evening at home. I was proud of myself as I sat across from a smiling stranger that I was able to talk about Finn without tearing up, it was a first. Even though I had a couple perfect days off; you know the ones where you have just enough fun, productivity and rest, I was feeling a little restless and unsettled. For some reason, I kept waking up on Saturday night, though Gavin was never disturbed. When that boy is in a deep sleep, a freight train could tear through my place and he would not budge. Every time I got up to grab some water or a book to slow down my churning brain, I kept feeling something there or something missing. I am not sure what it was or if I had just eaten WAY too much guacamole earlier that day with Lil' Big Head and my dear friend, Julie.

Sunday, I left a client's home and got into my car. It was the first time I met their chocolate bomb, Cockapoo puppy and what a cutie pie! I opened the camera roll on my phone to take a quick glance at the adorable face I just snapped a photo of and Finn's picture, my lock screen, came up as the most recent snapshot in my album with a time stamp that indicated it was taken WHILE I WAS IN THEIR HOME. Anyone who knows me well, can attest that my patience with animals and humans does not extend to technology or traffic, thank goodness for car horns. While I know people who take photos of their texts, um, I have no idea nor interest in how to do that. I could not help but wonder if Finn was letting me know he was home; in a beautiful place and waiting for me so I could settle back in to my life and home.

You see, I grew to detest my home over the past year. The stairs became the bain of my existence. Before I committed to buy my place, I consulted with my veterinarian on Finn's long-term capability of handling three flights of steps and even harassed my realtor until she procured keys for me prior to anything being signed so I could test his agility up and down the path to our potential new home. Evidence that solidified my choice right after we returned from a hiking trip in Asheville, NC where I kept his hikes to two hours at a time but after a power nap; he was charged up, ready for another trek through the mountains.

The openness of the neighborhood, slower pace, fewer dogs to stalk Finn, so many trees for him to stare at squirrels and the safety that comes from being on the third floor were huge deciding factors for me. I know I yammer on and on about our walks but they were dreamy, quiet, relaxing. And, I saw Finn relax and smile more as we strolled so many hours together. Quite the opposite of my walks with Gavin, you just might see us spinning circles because I could rub my clothes with steak, be wearing hot dogs for earrings and consistently sound like a squeaky ball as I walk and NOTHING but squirrels can motivate that crazy pup outside. We are making progress though.

I used to look up at my condo as I traisped along the sidewalk and think how happy I was to come

home to Finn. It took me awhile after I moved back home to care enough to even glance at my third floor windows and for some time I was not sure if I my desire to do so would ever return. But, taking the time I needed to cry, mourn and grieve before loving again has helped my heart open and love. Gavin deserves that and I can honestly say if I brought him home any sooner, we might be struggling to bond. He is giving me a reason to look up and forward and so many more to smile. And, when I shed a tear over my big lug, Gavin snuggles in a little closer like Finn used to when when I tending to my heart from a breakup.